The Chinese Banquet

By LIN ZILONG

Traveling to Beijing for the first time? Don’t get caught in, out, or up by culture shocks. Know how things should – and shouldn’t – be done to ensure your trip is a memorable one for all the right reasons.

Tourist George Johnson had skipped his breakfast, and the pangs of hunger were almost visible through his tightly fitting T-shirt. His starvation, however, was self-imposed – George had just flown in from Sydney for a tour of the Chinese capital that kicked off with an invitation to an authentic Chinese banquet. “The Chinese are famed throughout the world for their cuisine,” he reasoned, “so it’s best to go in with an empty stomach.”

Like many of the mistakes he made that night, George’s first was an honest one. The guests, the most important of which was another tourist from Hong Kong, were all dithering around the table, and no one chose a seat. “I’ll sit here then, will I?” the burly Aussie inquired of no one in particular whilst rolling up his sleeves. He proceeded to plunk his backside down in what should have been the special guest’s chair. The Chinese guests put it down to his ignorance of their customs, and in a face-saving maneuver, hurriedly took their own seats.

Soon, the waitress (xiaojie) emerged from nowhere with the first in a long line of starters. Though such was the range, number, style and type of these that George could also be easily forgiven for his second erroneous move. There were plates of fish, pigeon eggs, spicy cabbage, cured pork, and all sorts of others. And then the procession stopped. George assumed that the tucker on the table was the entire meal, and promptly began to demolish it. He did wonder why most of the dishes were cold, but nevertheless carried on chomping.

A pretty rapid eater, George had just scoffed down his fill when the doors swung open once again, and a new gastronomical parade began. The main courses were arriving at the table. George thought he was hallucinating as the arriving onslaught of aromatic dishes tantalized his taste buds, but his stuffed-up stomach ordered that his mouth decline.

It transpired a pity that he still had room for liquids after his host asked George, “Do you like white wine?” Presuming that a chilled bottle of Bordeaux might materialize on the table, George nodded his agreement. But the liquor that was opened was no such thing. Yes, it literally was white wine (baijiu), but at 56 percent proof, it was the variety that can be used to power rockets.

It wasn’t as if George couldn’t take a drink – he was, after all, Australian. But George had never before experienced intoxication of this nature. A pile of don’ts was to follow: He stuck his chopsticks (kuaizi) upright in his rice bowl (resembling the incense sticks used in this country to pay homage to the departed); he consistently left the teapot pointing at a guest after pouring a round, and when the alcohol inevitably reawakened his sense of hunger, he practically licked the plates clean. And after staggering outside at the banquet’s conclusion, he displayed one of his nation’s greatest skills – the six-foot-three lad rugby-tackled his host to the ground.

It didn’t have to be that way.

The first phase of the Chinese banquet is quite complicated: Determining the seating arrangements. Banquets are normally conducted around large, “Lazy Susan” tables, and the most important guest usually sits to the right of the host (zhi ren). Then there is a complex order governing where the other diners should position themselves, as each guest usually tries to “humbly” convince the other that she is more worthy of the higher-ranking seat. It’s best to wait until the hullabaloo has died down, or until you are told where to sit (zuo zher).

When everyone is sitting comfortably, the cold dish appetizers (liang cai) will arrive at the table. Before the chopsticks capture a crumb, the host will say a few words. She will, in a few lines hopefully, explain the purpose behind the feast, be it a welcoming, a farewell, a thank you or a plea for business. At this stage, not a great deal of response is expected, so it’s best to smile, nod and clap along with the crowd. The host then blows the whistle, and it’s off.

The parade of main courses is usually seamlessly mixed with the appetizers. Waiters (shifu) will bring dish after dish of mouth-watering grub until almost every edible member of the animal kingdom is represented at the table. Certain species own their own set of protocol to be observed while they are devoured, for instance, fish.

The entire creature, head and tail included, is positioned on the table so that its gaping mouth faces the most important guest. This privileged person is offered the first morsel, before the rest of the company is invited to eat (chi) it. Soon enough, a delicate hand will appear to lift and separate the creature’s bones, exposing the rest of its meat to the guzzlers. Turning the fish over is often a no-no; traditionally, fishermen believed this would cause their boat to capsize.

Chickens are also usually served whole, or attached to their bones. Do not be surprised to see your companions skillfully spit the unwanted bones into a side-plate. Try this for yourself – it is easily mastered and actually great fun. Just refrain from removing them from your mouth with your fingers – this is considered rude.

When attending a Chinese banquet, most foreigners share a common fear. What to do if a stewed bull’s penis is suddenly slapped down upon the table? Will the host be offended if I refuse to sample such an organ? Rest assured – if you were in such a situation, you probably would not know it. Most of the more “nauseating” ingredients are so cleverly disguised in the dishes that you generally won’t have a clue what you’re putting in your mouth. In any case, the best solution is to remain ignorant. Simply don’t ask, try anything, and you’re sure to love the taste and impress the host. But don’t clear the plate – that’ll imply that your host failed to provide enough food for you.

Alcohol flows in no small volume at Chinese banquets, but beware the baijiu. The Chinese love it, but foreigners would be well advised to limit their intake of this sickly-sweet substance, for the sake of their livers if not their valuable time. Recovery, as George can attest, can take a couple of days. Beer (pijiu) and tea (cha) are perfect substitutes, but if you are the adventurous type, have a small cup and drink it slowly. As soon as the drink loses its sweet taste, you have had enough. Unfortunately, by the time this happens, the damage is often already done.

Whatever your tipple, a hilarious part of the Chinese banquet is the systematic toasting process. Simple toasts are made, expressing thanks to the host, respect for the guest, and good wishes, health, fortune and prosperity to all. Rules here very much depend on the occasion, but the toasting cheer is always the same. Literally meaning “dry glass,” ganbei is the Chinese equivalent of bottoms up, and the toaster screams this after his utterance. When making or receiving a toast, raise your glass with both hands to show the utmost respect.

The toasting hierarchy usually follows that of the seating arrangements, but the more gan the beis get, the less importance is placed upon this. This ritual could also be the reason why, on average, Chinese gluttons are slimmer than their Western counterparts. They burn off the calories as they go along – you’re required to stand up for each toast and sit down afterwards.

There is a simple but interesting custom that is easily observed when eating with your Chinese friends. When someone pours you a cup of your preferred beverage, you should tap the table a couple of times with your index and middle fingers. This tradition stems from ancient times, when Emperor Qianlong, like Zeus, would descend from his lofty throne and travel the land, to dine with the common folk and get a flavor of real life among his domain.

The emperor would often end up pouring a round of tea for his fellow diners, which included his aides. The latter would jump to the floor and kowtow, to show the emperor his due respect. This, Qianlong quite rightly reasoned, might give the game away, so he devised a system whereby the aides could show their respect whilst maintaining his disguise. The custom caught on, and is still very widely practiced, when one wants to show respect and gratitude to the tea server.