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Changing traditions mean that the Chinese
are marrying at a less tender age than before, and that some don’t
bother at all.
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More
young Chinese people are choosing to marry late.
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There was a time in China when a bride, who might have been 16
years old, didn’t see her betrothed’s face until his
anxious hands removed her silken red veil on their wedding night.
Back then, only the head of a household could choose whom and
when he would wed – the marriages of all other family members
were arranged. Some years later, despite the advent of gender
equality, early, obligatory weddings remained the norm. During
the “cultural revolution” (1966-1976), dressed in military
attire, both clutching the “little red book,” the affianced
would proclaim their love and loyalty in front of an imposing
portrait of the Great Helmsman. These days, wealthy Chinese urbanites
are doing no such thing. As karaoke bars sprout up on seemingly
every street, and the Internet connects people to an infinite
number of “friends,” many young adults eschew the idea
of marriage, at least until they’ve reached an older age.
It’s not that youngsters today are stubbornly opposed to
marriage, or that they want to be eternal bachelors or spinsters.
“In my case, I haven’t met the right person,” says
Wang Linye, a 23-year-old journalist in Beijing. “Actually,
there are so many reasons why people are getting married later
that it’s impossible to pinpoint one main factor.” With
China’s new free market ideology, people are quickly becoming
used to the idea of choice. This generation seeks excellence in
everything, from stockings to sports cars to spouses, and its
members have no qualms about exploring their options before making
any decision. In that environment, wealth naturally translates
into superiority. “People of my parents’ age didn’t
pay too much heed to a potential partner’s economic condition,
because the economic gap in society was small,” says Linye,
continuing, “If two people had a favorable attitude towards
each other, they would fall in love and marry. Nowadays, there
are huge economic gaps, and to a young woman looking to marry
a guy, salary and family background are prime considerations.
She expects a house and car, and thinks nothing of rejecting a
suitor who cannot provide them. Girls like to keep up with the
Joneses in this regard.”
The other side of the golden coin reads like this: many female
urbanites no longer expect to depend on men for financial support.
In days gone by, as long as a man could put enough mianbao on
the table, his wife was happy to stay at home, look after the
children, and mend his stinking socks. Not anymore, says Xu Fei,
a 28-year-old desk editor in Beijing, “Women of my parents’
generation were less financially independent than they are nowadays.
Women today are no longer potential housewives relying on their
husbands for a living. We can earn our own bread, and live an
independent, relatively affluent lifestyle. Why should we marry
as early as our parents?”
Personalities and the want of a satisfying relationship surpass
practical concerns among young Chinese professionals choosing
a mate today. Wang Linye says adamantly: “I’m going
to wait until I find the right man for marriage, one I know I
can happily spend the rest of my life with. Nothing less will
do.” Some are happy simply to be single. “I would hate
to sacrifice my personal interests for the sake of a man, so unless
I meet a guy with similar interests, I could not consider marriage,”
says Xu Fei. “I really enjoy my freedom!” New social
activities pervade every large city, each vying for young professionals’
time and money, whilst distracting them from maintaining a steady
relationship. “I eat in nice restaurants, go to the gym,
and travel regularly,” says Li, a 30-year-old project manager
in Beijing. “When I had a boyfriend, I had less time to spend
with my friends. I used to go home at 9pm. Now that I’m single
again, I can go home at whatever time I choose.” Financial
freedom is another bonus for the soldiers of solitaire, be they
male or female. With no in-house bean counter demanding materialization
of every receipt, bill or used lottery ticket for scrutiny, shopping
splurges, maxed-out credit cards and horrific hangovers are guilt-free,
if not entirely painless.
And in that, it seems, is invoked the vicious circle. Such extravagant
behavior needs to be funded by work, work, and still more work.
Even white collars that live relatively humble lifestyles need
to put in some serious overtime to pay the bills in China today,
where rice bowls are no longer fashioned from iron. “I’m
so tired at the end of my week that the last thing I want to do
is put more energy into dating,” says Dong, a 29-year-old
male working in the media. “My job is highly demanding, and
I have to work strange hours. None of this is conducive to finding
a girl, much less holding on to one for marriage.” After
carrying out an Internet poll, one popular Chinese website claimed
the 10 “most single” professions were: interior design;
journalism; accounting; consultancy; advertising; law; fashion
design; makeup artistry/fashion photography; website design; acting
and athletics.
What do parents make of their children’s attitude towards
marriage? “They want me to marry as soon as possible,”
complains Li, and “mention this ‘problem’ once
a week. But I think that as time passes they are more willing
to see my point of view, and that they are becoming more tolerant.”
Women today seem to put more pressure on their children to marry
than men. Surely that is a change from the past, when it was the
fathers who were keen to make sure that their genes traveled on
through the millennia. Does it mean that modern Chinese parents
value their children’s happiness over tradition? “In
the old days, parents, particularly fathers, considered marrying
off their children and carrying on the family line as vital,”
says Li Pu, a 34-year-old doctor who wedded just two years ago.
“Maybe now that parents know their own future more or less
depends on their only child, they choose not to risk antagonizing
them by being overly authoritarian. In this way they put their
own wellbeing ahead of tradition. This is surely common practice
in a graying society.”
Wedding planners need not fear for their livelihoods upon reading
this article. Marriage remains highly popular among the country’s
well-to-dos, however late it might occur. “We might have
reasons for delaying marriage, but it’s still our dream,”
says Wang Linye, “We will make our dreams a reality, hopefully
before we pass our sell-by date!” Lives must be lived, adventures
must be had and freedom remains the catchphrase of the 21st century.
“Freedom,” however, “is relative, as it can come
at the cost of loneliness,” points out Duan, a divorcee who
knows the best – and worst – of both worlds.
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